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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Hot
Dog
American
Like
Pie
Apple
Apples

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
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