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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Dog
American
Like
Pie
Apple
Apples
Hot

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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
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brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
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Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
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