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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Without
Really
Make
Omelette
Eggs
Breaking

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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
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A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.
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