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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Omelette
Eggs
Breaking
Without
Really
Make

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I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
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Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
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And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
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(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
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I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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