Quote

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Years
Settle
Settling
Hey
Stomach
Thirty
Married
Single
Malt
Going
Scotch

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
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