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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Stomach
Thirty
Married
Single
Malt
Going
Scotch
Years
Settle
Settling
Hey

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
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Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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