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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Threat
Bigger
Real
Even
Long
Distract
Partly
Aliens
Illegal

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
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(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
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I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
Stephen Colbert