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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Bigger
Real
Even
Long
Distract
Partly
Aliens
Illegal
Threat

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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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