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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Bigger
Real
Even
Long
Distract
Partly
Aliens
Illegal
Threat

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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I'm impervious to logic.
Stephen Colbert
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
Stephen Colbert
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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
Stephen Colbert
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
Stephen Colbert
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans.
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