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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Even
Long
Distract
Partly
Aliens
Illegal
Threat
Bigger
Real
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
Stephen Colbert