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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Butterflies
Butterfly
Stomach
Cocoon
Cocoons

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...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.
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In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
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I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
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Football is American why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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