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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Butterflies
Butterfly
Stomach
Cocoon
Cocoons

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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
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It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
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My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
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Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
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Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
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