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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Cocoon
Cocoons
Butterflies
Butterfly
Stomach

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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
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