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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Spilled
Punch
Cows
Milk
Cry
Angry

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
Stephen Colbert
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Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
Stephen Colbert
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen Colbert
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And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
Stephen Colbert
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I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
Stephen Colbert
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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Stephen Colbert
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Stephen Colbert
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
Stephen Colbert
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Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.
Stephen Colbert
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Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
Stephen Colbert
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
Stephen Colbert
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
Stephen Colbert
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Stephen Colbert
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
Stephen Colbert
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Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
Stephen Colbert
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
Stephen Colbert
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
Stephen Colbert
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
Stephen Colbert
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
Stephen Colbert
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert