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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Spilled
Punch
Cows
Milk
Cry
Angry

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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
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