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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Spray
Window
Hurt
Eyes
Eye
Doe
Soul

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
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If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work.
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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