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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Spray
Window
Hurt
Eyes
Eye
Doe
Soul

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
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The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
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