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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Window
Hurt
Eyes
Eye
Doe
Soul
Spray
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
Stephen Colbert
We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very crafted, controlled environment.
Stephen Colbert
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Stephen Colbert
I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
Stephen Colbert
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Stephen Colbert
brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
Stephen Colbert
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.
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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
Stephen Colbert
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
Stephen Colbert
Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
Stephen Colbert
Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
Stephen Colbert
The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
Stephen Colbert
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Stephen Colbert
There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
Stephen Colbert
Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
Stephen Colbert
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
Stephen Colbert
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
Stephen Colbert