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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Values
Menu
Change
Mcdonald
Find
Menus
Nothing
Couch
Something
Couches
Love
Dollar
Nutritional
Dollars
Cushion
Value
Cushions
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
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A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name I'm not changing it.
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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