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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Love
Dollar
Nutritional
Dollars
Cushion
Value
Cushions
Values
Menu
Change
Mcdonald
Find
Menus
Nothing
Couch
Something
Couches
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
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I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
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Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
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And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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