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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Liberal
Dogs
Turning
Dog
Free
Gluten
Lesbian
Agenda
Agendas
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
Stephen Colbert
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
Stephen Colbert
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Stephen Colbert
Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
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And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name I'm not changing it.
Stephen Colbert
History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
Stephen Colbert
Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
Stephen Colbert
We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very crafted, controlled environment.
Stephen Colbert
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Stephen Colbert
Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
Stephen Colbert
Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
Stephen Colbert
A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
Stephen Colbert