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Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Important
Currency
Really
Value
Like
Taken
Values
Faith
President
Take
Coins
Right
Romney

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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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I'm impervious to logic.
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