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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Craig
Haggard
Larry
Happily
Gay
Conservative
Married
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
Stephen Colbert
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
Stephen Colbert
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
Stephen Colbert
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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
Stephen Colbert
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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
Stephen Colbert
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
Stephen Colbert
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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
Stephen Colbert
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
Stephen Colbert
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Stephen Colbert
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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
Stephen Colbert
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
Stephen Colbert
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
Stephen Colbert
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
Stephen Colbert
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
Stephen Colbert
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
Stephen Colbert
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
Stephen Colbert