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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Hermaphrodite
Hermaphrodites
Physically
Gay
Impossible

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
Stephen Colbert
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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
Stephen Colbert
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
Stephen Colbert
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I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.
Stephen Colbert
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Stephen Colbert
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
Stephen Colbert
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A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.
Stephen Colbert
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
Stephen Colbert
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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
Stephen Colbert
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I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
Stephen Colbert
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brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
Stephen Colbert
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We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
Stephen Colbert