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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Necks
Muslim
Vampire
Protect
Making
Halal
Vampires
Neck
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
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The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
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Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
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I am no fan of books.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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