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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Speech
Free
Speak
Hands
Like
Corporations
Mouths

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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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I am no fan of books.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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