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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
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Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
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I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
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If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
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