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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
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Washington
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Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
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I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
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I'm impervious to logic.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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