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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
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Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
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A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.
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Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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