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If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Anybody
Numbers
Nsa
Speak
Cocktail
Else
Cocktails
Someone
Slowly
Anything
Table
Right
Tables
Needs
Clearly
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.
Stephen Colbert
There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
Stephen Colbert
Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
Stephen Colbert
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.
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When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
Stephen Colbert
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
Stephen Colbert
