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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Newspapers
Foreign
English
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name I'm not changing it.
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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