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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
American
Sliced
America
Brazilian
Giving
Tomato
Tomatoes
Chilean
Mexican
Venezuelan
Served
Chileans
Picked
Venezuelans
Gives
Spas
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
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My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
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People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
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When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
Stephen Colbert
