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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Gives
Spas
American
Sliced
America
Brazilian
Giving
Tomato
Tomatoes
Chilean
Mexican
Venezuelan
Served
Chileans
Picked
Venezuelans
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
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I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
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Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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Truthiness is What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true. It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.
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