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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Marriage
Monkey
Monkeys
Gay
Beginning

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
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