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Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
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When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
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You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
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