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Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Live
Fingers
Election
Tweeting
Soon
Tweet
Start
Forgot
Lasts
Fists
Last
Post
Night
Posts
Today
Rage
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics. Like it's not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there - there isn't.
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