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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Taking
Duty
Waiting
Patriotic
American
Complaining
Long
Wait
Vote
Exercise
Tomorrow

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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
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If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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