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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Milk
Inspiring
Cry
Tomorrow
Free
Time
Yogurt
Spilled
Graduation
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Stephen Colbert
Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
Stephen Colbert
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
Stephen Colbert
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
Stephen Colbert
I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
Stephen Colbert
We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics. Like it's not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there - there isn't.
Stephen Colbert
In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
Stephen Colbert
Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
Stephen Colbert
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
Stephen Colbert
I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
Stephen Colbert
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
Stephen Colbert
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Stephen Colbert
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
Stephen Colbert
My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
Stephen Colbert
Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
Stephen Colbert
Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
Stephen Colbert
The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
Stephen Colbert
But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.
Stephen Colbert
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen Colbert
