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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Dream
Tables
Sleeper
May
Hero
Sleepers
Enough
Somebody
Pinch
Feel
Pretty
Dreaming
Feels
Face
Shoot
Like
Faces
George
Sound
Bush
Funny
Table

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North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
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I'm impervious to logic.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.
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But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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