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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Dream
Tables
Sleeper
May
Hero
Sleepers
Enough
Somebody
Pinch
Feel
Pretty
Dreaming
Feels
Face
Shoot
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Faces
George
Sound
Bush
Funny
Table

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
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The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport.
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I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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