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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Nations
Searching
United
Nearly
President
Seek
States
Office
Soul
Nation
Minutes
Heard
Call

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
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I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
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I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
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Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
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I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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