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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Would
Oil
War
Women
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
Stephen Colbert
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
Stephen Colbert
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
Stephen Colbert
I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
Stephen Colbert
When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
Stephen Colbert
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Stephen Colbert
We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
Stephen Colbert
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
Stephen Colbert
Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
Stephen Colbert
People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
Stephen Colbert
Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
Stephen Colbert
If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
Stephen Colbert
If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
Stephen Colbert
In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Stephen Colbert
Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
Stephen Colbert
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
Stephen Colbert
Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
Stephen Colbert
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
Stephen Colbert
It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
Stephen Colbert
I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
Stephen Colbert
