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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Oil
War
Women
Would

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
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Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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Football is American why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
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Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Stephen Colbert