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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Agnostics
Atheists
Atheist
Balls
Without

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
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Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
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If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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I am no fan of books.
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I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
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