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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Parents
Parent
Guy
Reassures
Kids
Weekdays
Nothing
Surrounding
Kind
Gun
Guys
Weapons

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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
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If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
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I am no fan of books.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
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