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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Change
Tuesday
Still
Decides
Matter
Monday
Something
Believes
Believe
Happened
President
Business
Belive
Stills
Wednesday

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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
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I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
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Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
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The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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