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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Change
Tuesday
Still
Decides
Matter
Monday
Something
Believes
Believe
Happened
President
Business
Belive
Stills
Wednesday
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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