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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Change
Tuesday
Still
Decides
Matter
Monday
Something
Believes
Believe
Happened
President
Business
Belive
Stills
Wednesday

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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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