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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
President
Business
Belive
Stills
Wednesday
Change
Tuesday
Still
Decides
Matter
Monday
Something
Believes
Believe
Happened

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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
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There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.
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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
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Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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