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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Happens
Inspire
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Happen
Things
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Life
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
Stephen Colbert
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
Stephen Colbert
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Stephen Colbert
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
Stephen Colbert
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If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
Stephen Colbert
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
Stephen Colbert
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
Stephen Colbert
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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Stephen Colbert
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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
Stephen Colbert
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
Stephen Colbert
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
Stephen Colbert
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
Stephen Colbert
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
Stephen Colbert
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(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock
Stephen Colbert
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
Stephen Colbert
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Stephen Colbert
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Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
Stephen Colbert