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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Fire
Born
Wedlock
Like
Contraception
Fires
Babies
Leads
Lead
Baby
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
Stephen Colbert
I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.
Stephen Colbert
You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
Stephen Colbert
To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
Stephen Colbert
You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.
Stephen Colbert
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
Stephen Colbert
In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Stephen Colbert
If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
Stephen Colbert
Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
Stephen Colbert
If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
Stephen Colbert
If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
Stephen Colbert
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen Colbert
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
Stephen Colbert
John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
Stephen Colbert
I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
Stephen Colbert
Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
Stephen Colbert
I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
Stephen Colbert
And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name I'm not changing it.
Stephen Colbert
