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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Country
Right
Think
Thinking
People
Mcdonald
Register
Fate
Hands

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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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