Quote

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Stupid
Waiting
Wish
Drying
Self
Unlimited
Would
Wishes
Pants
Wait
Return

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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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