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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Trust
Funny
Children
Replace
Replaced
Comedian
Folks

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
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Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
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Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
Stephen Colbert
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen Colbert
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Stephen Colbert
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
Stephen Colbert
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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