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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Replace
Replaced
Comedian
Folks
Trust
Funny
Children

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
Stephen Colbert
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
Stephen Colbert
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
Stephen Colbert
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
Stephen Colbert
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
Stephen Colbert
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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Stephen Colbert
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Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
Stephen Colbert
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brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
Stephen Colbert
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
Stephen Colbert
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
Stephen Colbert
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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
Stephen Colbert
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
Stephen Colbert
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
Stephen Colbert
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
Stephen Colbert
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
Stephen Colbert
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
Stephen Colbert
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
Stephen Colbert
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
Stephen Colbert
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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert